When your parents split up it’s hard. There are tons of changes that happen in your life, and you may never really get used to the idea though you will likely adapt to your new life eventually. One thing that makes the process even harder though is when you parents start to date other people. When your Mom starts dating other guys or your Dad starts dating other women, it’s hard to get past the initial “ick” factor” let alone learn to cope with the whole dating thing. That’s why so many kids try to keep their parents from dating at all. For more on that, check out “How Can I Keep My Parents From Dating After Divorce?”
Assuming you couldn’t stop them from dating, and most kids can not, you may be wondering what you can do to help make the situation easier or better. Here are some tips:
- Try not to compare your parents’ new dating interest to your other parent. If your Dad is dating someone new, don’t spend time constantly trying to figure out how she is or isn’t like you Mom. Same thing if your Mom is dating someone new. Try not to compare them to, or judge them, based on your Dad.
- Remember that no matter what happens with your parents’ new dating relationships, no one will ever replace your mom and dad. You may have additional grown ups in your life, but you only have one mom and one dad.
- Don’t determine that you will not get along with your parents’ new dating partner. Don’t hold your parents’ divorce against them. They may be a very nice person. It’s ok to like them, and it’s easier when you’re not looking for them to be a replacement mom or dad. Liking your parents’ new boyfriend or girlfriend does not mean that you are betraying your other parent.
- Speak to them like you would any other adult (perhaps the parent of one of your friends, or a teacher at school or church). You may not like that your Mom or Dad is dating them, but that doesn’t give you the right to be disrespectful. Remember the Golden Rule and apply it to them like you would anyone else – “Treat others the way you would want to be treated.”
- Don’t bad mouth the new people in your parents’ lives to the other parent. That isn’t your role and will only serve to make the tension between your parents worse.
- Spend time with your mom or dad away from their new relationship. Remind them, in a nice way, that you still want some time alone with them and ask if they would be willing to do that with you.
- If your parents’ new dating interest makes you feel unsafe let your parent know that. If they do anything inappropriate, report it to proper authorities immediately. If you don’t know where to report it, talk to someone at school or church who can likely help you (a counselor, minister or teacher).
- Find someone you trust to share what you are going through. Make sure that it is someone who is willing to tell you if you are being unreasonable or are wrong. It doesn’t do you, or anyone else, any good to only talk with people who are going to “side with” you no matter what.
- Give it time. All relationships take time to develop and grow. Whatever relationship you might have with your parents dating partners will also take time to develop. Don’t write them off right away, and don’t be discouraged because you are not instant best friends.
Hello! I’m also a child of divorce, I’m 11 years of existence, in 6th grade and well I havea really funand good life even if my parents aren’t together! My parents aren’t even married! They were supposed to get married when i turn 3. Well unfortunately, they had a fight, i don’t know what they were talking about, but i remember that day! I was 2 years old. I was in my wonderwoman costume because i really admire her! I was playing with our new dvd set and checking it out when suddenly my mom got a knife and almost stabbed my dad!! Good thing my dad’s sister is there and she stopped her then they begun shouting screaming then i cried and my mom carried me then we went to my grandparent’s house. I don’t even know why i still remembered that day..
Then now, my mom and dad have their own boyfriend/girlfriends my dad is even dating a woman which is pregnant now and i don’t know if ishould be happy because were having a new member in the house or i should be worried that my dad would ignore me and would favorite my sibling because she/he is. A child of a woman who he will marry, and a child of his and a woman who isn’t loud. My mom is a wild person. Srsly, she’s girly, then when she’s at a bad mood you won’t want to screw her. But she’s nice, and beautiful too. a lot of men are asking her out. She’s 31 but looks like 26! She is really beautiful! Then my dad is the other way around, a really serious man but has a sense of humor, he’s really intelligent and smart! He doesn’t like loud people and a lot of girls are chasing him too! Once, my aunt (the cousin of my dad) received a message from someone that my dad knows and it said “i heard rey (my dad) has a girlfriend… I guess i’ll never find the man meant for me” ugh. She was so much drama. But moving on, even though, my parents are separated they always make time for me and i’m grateful for that i even get all that i want, ipad, new shoes, a macbook, ds, xbox. I’d like to givea shoutout to my mom who I love so much! HI MOM I’M DONE WITH MY HOMEWORK OKAY?!? And hi also to my dad! I’ll beat you next time in chess!
i am the same but my mother died and i am 12 years old in grade six and my dad is doing another girl i don’t like and she flirts infront of me its weird and don’t like it.
Same I’m scared because my dad is with my friends mom I’m moving in with my cousin because I can’t handle my dad talking to her weird it makes me uncomfortable so I’m sorry your mom died (:
let them do do not disturb,concentrate on study
I am glad that you are staying happy and satisfied. Although you are older than me I respect you.
This advice is only helpful if you love both of your parents. My parents divorced because my dad was abusive, and I have no love for him. I don’t even talk to him unless it’s absolutely necessary. Both of my parents started dating shortly after the divorce. I live with my mom, and she met someone recently. She’s been inviting him over at night and they’re very… affectionate. Nothing beyond making out (Mom told me and we don’t approve of premarital sex), but it’s still really weird. I like Mom’s boyfriend, he seems nice, and I’m glad they’re happy together, but it’s really weird to know that on any given night he could be in the house. I’m typing this in the middle of the night because Mom sent me back to my room when I tried to go to the kitchen to get sleeping pills. She had plans to watch a show with her boyfriend and didn’t want to be disturbed.
Sarah,
I am so sorry to hear about your experience with your Dad, and I understand why you have no love for him. I would caution that when you harbor hate or unforgiveness that the only person that ends up hurting is you. It may take some time (it may take a lot of time), but I would encourage you work towards a point of forgiveness with your Dad. That doesn’t mean that you have to have a relationship with him or forget about what he’s done, but it means you let go of any bitterness and resentment in your own heart so that it doesn’t bind you and tie you down from moving forward with your life.
You didn’t mention your age, but I understand why having your Mom’s boyfriend in the house can make you uncomfortable (even if he is a nice guy). I would encourage you to set a time where you can talk to your mother about how that makes you feel. Make sure that you both try to see and understand the situation from each others’ point of view and see if you can’t come to some sort of compromise. Hopefully your mom will understand how her actions are impacting your own views of relationships and what is appropriate and inappropriate.
Please let me know if you have any additional questions either here in the comments or using our “Ask Us” feature.
Did your mom get married
My dad is dating someone new and I do not like the girl that she is dating….. I can not even get my parents to see each other again… I am only 3 years old when my mom and dad was separated and now I am 19 years ol and they are still not friends.. I am doing everything I can the get them back together.. Please help me guys…
Lyrah,
Unfortunately, as much as you might want it, your parents probably aren’t going to get back together. I understand how badly you want it, I really do, but I think it’s probably time to start working towards accepting your situation and trying to move forward. If there is anything you’d like to talk about, I encourage you to use our “Ask Us” feature by clicking on the button to the right.
hi i am Emily i am 12 years old and my mother just dies a week before my bday and it was really hard then like 4 weeks later my dad is dating a girl that i don’t like and she does flirty stuff infant of me and i think its really weird i told my dad he gets it but ya.
My mom has a “boy friend ” back in her home town and I am happy for her but at the same time I kinda don’t want her to date it sounds kinda selfish I know, but also I want her to be happy I don’t know it is just kinda awkward anyone have anytips to help me coupe with this 🙂
Cass, It is awkward – no doubt, and I totally understand what you’re going through. You want your mom to be happy, but you’re having trouble adjusting to the idea of your mom dating – that’s natural. Have you talked to your mom about it and told her how you feel? Maybe if she takes the whole dating thing slowly you will have time to adjust to it. What is the new guy like? Remember, he’s not replacing your Dad – just someone special in your mom’s life.
My dad and mom are Divorced and my Mom has a new boyfriend its kinda weird but He’s really nice his name’s Josh he’s been here a year But I can’t help taking out my anger on my dad on him,What do I do?
Sophia,
It’s great that you already realize this is an issue. First, I think you probably need to talk to your mom and Josh. Let him know what’s going on when you’re taking your anger out on him. Then, you need to work on your anger. The first step is in recognizing what causes it and when it is starting to boil up inside of you. If it’s about your Dad, pick a time when you’re not angry and talk to him about it. Sometimes just laying those issues out on the table can help to deal with the problem. Let us know how it goes.
Are you ok
Who are you
Say your prayers and then everything will be fine
Hai. I’m Athena, 17 years old. My farther died 5 years ago. So now, my mother solely raised me and my siblings for those 5 years. I thought my mother really loves my father. However, for these past few days my mother always stay up all night holding her phone which is unusual of her. Because of my curiosity, I check her phone when she was asleep. That was the time when I found out that there was someone new. They’ve been sweet in their conversation, but I don’t like the idea that at the age of 35, my mother still do stuff like that. They have always have long conversations. I think my mother is replacing my father already. She doesn’t even mention my father anymore
Athena,
I know this must be tough. I know personally what it is like to lose a parent at a young age. That said, it has been five years and it’s not unusual that your Mom would find someone new in that amount of time. Rest assured that no one can replace your Dad, and it’s likely that isn’t what your mom is trying to do either. We all grieve in our own way, and I know doubt that your mom has grieved the loss of your Dad. The last step in the grieving process is acceptance – not that everything is awesome but that things aren’t what they used to be and it’s ok to move on. I would encourage you to talk to your mom. Don’t try to dictate what she should do, but just let her know that the idea is difficult for you and may take some time to get used to. I hope this helps.
Take care of yourself,
Wayne
Founder of IAmAChildofDivorce.com
Hi my name is Elijah My mom and dad broke up about a mouth ago and my mom found a boyfriend I don’t like him my mom send’s nasty stuff to him and they were just having sex in my mom’s room and I was crying what should I do please anyone
Elijah,
I understand why you’re so upset. That’s got to be so hard to deal with. Have you tried talking to your mom about it? It sounds like you’re not asking her to stop dating him but to be a little more discreet. That’s very reasonable, and if you approach her the right way about it, and explain that it hurts you, she should be open to having that conversation. Please let us know how it goes.
Take care of yourself,
Wayne
Founder of IAmAChildofDivorce.com
are you okay
My parents split up in 2012 when I was ten.Just a month later me,my mum and my big brother moved out of our house into a very small house.I was angry but I accepted it.But a few months ago,just after my thirteenth birthday,my mum started dating again.She did it before,mainly in 2013/2014,but I never really talked to her boyfriends because of my shyness.But now I’m not as shy so I talked to her new boyfriend.He is nice but my mum is forcing him into our family.She invited him to my brothers’ birthday dinner and she even had him around for Christmas.Instead of being happy I kept to myself and barely spoke to her.I spent the last hours of Christmas in my room alone.He’s been in my house for five days straight,and whenever he’s here I feel isolated.Today he said hello to me and I just walked straight past him.Mum told me to say hello and I did,just in a grumpy and sarcastic way.I hate facing them together.Me and my mum used to be really close and I told her most things.Now I barely tell her anything and solve all of my problems myself.I used to depend on her but now I depend on my friends and myself.She spends all her time with him and I hate it.Now whenever she talks to me with him around I give her one word replies and choose to ignore them.
M,
I know it hurts when your parents starts dating again, and it can feel like an intrusion into your family time. You did mention thought that this guy seems like a nice guy. Focus on that. He doesn’t have to be “part of your family” or a replacement for your dad, he can just be someone that your mom likes, and if he’s a nice guy, maybe you’ll like him to (just as a person). Try to find things to talk about and see if you don’t become more friendly. Try to approach your dealings with him without all the heavy burdens and preconceive notions that come from dealing with your parents’ divorce. It might not be easy, but it’ll be worth it in the end.
My father died when I was 4 and now my mother is dating another guy n I don’t like that at all and the guy she is dating is a driver at our house I’m very depressed and I cry whole night I have even starting hating my mom for that plz tell me what should I do???????????????????
Ayesha,
I’m sorry to hear about your Dad. My mom died when I was young, so I know how hard that can be.
What is it about this new guy that you don’t like? Have you talked to your mom about him?
I know it might not seem like it now, because change is always tough when you’re going through, but things do get easier with time.
Take care of yourself, Wayne
I hope that you will continue to use this site and ask for help. That’s what we’re hear for!
hey guys
don’t worry guys you have a whole new life’ you can’t hold on to the past
Kyle,
You are right that divorce doesn’t mean the end, there is a whole new life out there to be lived. However, divorce does hurt and it is important to work through and process that hurt too. Thank you for your encouraging words though!
my parents are separated’ but until now my dad is dating somebody and I really want my dad and his girlfriend to break up and my parents can get back together
Hey my name is Stephanie and my parent divorced about 3 years ago. I live with my mom but I don’t want to I feel that she was the cause of the divorce. She would drink heavily and go to clubs with her friends and even take me and my now 7 year old brother to go drinkin with her friends. Now I am sort of moved on but I heard a lot of stuff about my mom from the kids from school. They would say she has sex for money and stuff and I kinda believed them, because when my dad still lived with us he would sleep in my room and I would sleep with my mom and every night I would hear these long conversations on the phone until 3 in the morning about how my mom loved this guy. Now here’s the thingredients I have good hearing and could tell they were different voices every night. And that’s hot I lost all trust in my mom but know she has a boyfriend they known each other since September but then my mom tells me in November that she Is pregnant with his child. I can’t cope with this I don’t like other for help since i think i am a bother. Can you please help me?
Stephanie,
Wow. That’s a lot for you to have to deal with because of decisions your mother has made. It makes total sense to me why you’re having such a rough time with it. Have you talked to your mom about your feelings? It’s important that you find someone you can talk to about what you’re going through. Trust me, you are no bother and you need help to sort through the pain and emotions that this situation is certain to bring. Please do let us know if there is anything we can do to help. That’s what we’re here for.
Take care of yourself,
Wayne
Founder IAmAChildofDivorce.com
hi i am 13 and it is my first year of high school which is hard enough, but recently my parents split up and it is hard. it was my mum that decided to split and i have disliked her for a while since. I don’t know if i can trust her now because she is always hiding things. I know that i should not know this, but i found a condom in her new purse that she bought after they split and then i went into her room to get something off her desk and i saw an open notebook that had info about her for a dating web sight of something. I know this because it had stuff about how she wants the man to be and what she looks for in a guy. Dad and i are rlly close though. After dinner when we are watching tv on the lounge if one of us siblings wants to sit next to her she always tells us to go away so cant see her phone when she is texting she always has a smirk on her face and i know that she has been texting this guy or guys. PLEASE HELP ME
T E,
That’s got to be tough seeing your mom do that and watching your dad go through all of it. Unfortunately, parents don’t always make the right decisions. Have you talk to you mom about how her “secrets” make you feel? There isn’t much you can do to change things if your mom has decided to start dating again, but I would encourage you to talk to her and to find someone else you can talk to about what you’re feeling and what you’re going through. I know that you are disappointed in your mom for her decision, but also know that it’s ok to love her (she is your mom after all), and doing that doesn’t mean you agree with what she did or condone it. What I’ve found is that holding on to that anger and unforgiveness will hurt you way more than it will ever hurt her. Let us know how it’s going!
I’m 13 and my parents divorced when I was four. I know they won’t get back together, and I’m completely fine with that. The thing is, they both have started dating. My mom is dating this really nice guy, so all is good there. On the other hand, my dads dating this woman who’s a complete gold digger. She’s mean and has a fake accent, and is only with him for the money. I have told him how I feel, but he honestly doesn’t care. He spends more time with her than he does with me, and it really hurts me.
my mum and dad have been split (not divorced) for a while, and I was fine with it. but then I found out that my mum is dating another guy in secret, and I feel so guilty, because I thought my dad knew, and I told him. He didn’t know.I feel so lost now because my mum is blocking me out from anything to do with her personal life, and I act like the divorce doesn’t bother me, but It hurts me sosososososososososososososo much, and I remember seeing my mum and dad kiss on valentine’s day, and thinking it was gross. I would do anything to see that one more time. and I REALLY hate my mum’s boyfriend. I just want to go home, but I don’t even know where that is anymore……
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know it’s got to hurt! As for your mom’s secrets, it’s not your job to keep and it shouldn’t be. Don’t feel guilty about that at all. Secondly, you need to find someone to talk to. You can’t keep it all bottled up inside or eventually you will explode. Find a trusted adult or friend that can listen and empathize with what you’re feeling. Talk to someone who has been through something similar. Find a local support group for children of divorce. Chat with us here on I Am A Child of Divorce. Whatever you do, you have to do something. Keeping it bottled up is the worst thing you can do. As for your mom, I think you need to sit down and talk to her. Tell her that you feel like she is shutting you out and that it hurts.
Hi! I’m Dessie. Im having a tough time. Im 10 and my parents are divorced. My mom has been lying to me. She’s been seeing someone for 5 months. My dad has also been not telling me. Sometimes when. My dad sits beside me I’ll get a sneak peek of what and who he’s texting. It’s a woman, and they text xoxo back and fourth. My parents have been divorced for 1 full year. I know that’s not that long but I still want my parents to tell me things. The bright side is is that a lot of my friends parents are divorced, so usually they can make me feel better. But they always have lots of time for me!! Please help!!
Dessie,
I understand why you want your parents to tell you things so you don’t feel kept in the dark. I would encourage you to sit down with them and tell them that you know that they’re dating and you wish they would just let you know what’s going on. Do it in a respectful way. It may be that your parents are “hiding” this stuff because they are afraid of hurting you more than you’ve already been hurt by the divorce. I’m glad to hear that you do have people in your life who you can talk to though. You’re definitely going to need that! Let us know how it goes.